I'm going away to Australia in July, for six whole months, and am looking forward to it immensely. I am sick to the death of studying. I've just had enough. Especially as my life up until July seems right now like it will be a huge tangled mess of priorities battling it out for first place.
On the other hand, I'm really worried about leaving Dad alone at home. Not in a worried-for-his-safety way, I just know he's going to be lonely without anyone else. There was always going to be a time when I decided I was moving out, but I never expected, until a year ago, that doing so would leave Dad all alone. Which means that I have put off and put off going flatting and I am considering staying at home in 2008, when I return. I just don't know what to do. In my head I know that I have to move out whenever the right time comes, regardless to some extent of how Dad feels about it, but I am going to feel really bad when I do. And I will really miss him. I've got to really rely on him.
As I create this blog, I have just finished reading a short book by C. S. Lewis, called A Grief Observed (published 1961). It is the thoughts he wrote down as he grieved for his wife, Joy, who died of cancer after a short, intensely happy marriage. This book has inspired me to write down my feelings, completely honestly, as I try to understand, to order life without my mother. I have no idea how often I will write, what I will write, and when I will write.
1 comment:
Wow that seems like a really tough decison. I hate choices that don't have right or wrong answers, but you seem like a really strong person & I'm sure you will work it out.
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