I'm beginning to wonder if I should perhaps see a doctor because I've been feeling rather depressed. You feel like you should be able to mope around and lean on everyone else if you're depressed but I just put on my normal self and talk about everything in a very analytical way, as if I'm over it. But when I'm alone I just feel so horrible.

It's partly because I miss Dad so much. He's back from overseas on Monday. As I've written on here before, I didn't realise how much I'd miss him. It's just that now Mum's gone, he is the only person who thinks of me first, before anyone else. It's not like I'm saying that I'm Dad's favourite or something, it's just that the others have all got their spouses to look after them, so I naturally fall to him. And when one person is the only person like that in your life, when they're not around you feel so alone. My best friends are my best friends and I love them... but they don't think of me before anyone else, and they shouldn't either. So even if I get ultra annoyed with Dad sometimes (or often) it doesn't matter because I rely on him so much. Is it a bad thing to rely on someone?

I've realised more and more that no one understands what it's like to lose someone (Mum, I mean) except your close family. Dad and I don't usually need to say a thing but we understand. I wouldn't be able to understand someone in another family who's lost a close relative. I'd perhaps have an ounce more understanding than someone who's never lost anyone but it's not necessarily that way. It's just so pointless trying to explain how it feels but people expect you to just unburden yourself to them; as if that's going to happen.

I am so terrified of other people dying. I'm so scared Dad or Gran are going to die.

I have decided I have to help Dad out a lot more when he's home, so it's not just me leaning on him. He needs someone too.