I have realised even more that I am constitutionally incapable of being honest about my feelings. Tonight I went to one of my best friends' birthday party and saw a few friends there that I haven't seen for ages. When people happen to ask me how I am, I start talking about uni, for goodness' sake, or I just say 'good' and that's it because they obviously weren't asking with a view to receiving a hugely detailed reply much like the posts on this blog.

Of course, there is a side to it that's not just me. We all sit there eating pizza or whatever while everyone details whatever is happening or not happening in their love lives and it's like we base anything that's happened in the last few months on whether or not we like a boy. The silly thing is that all of us don't base our lives on boys, so why do we have to talk merely about them as if that's all that concerns us?

I would really like it if, at these gatherings we have every now and then, we actually had time to sit down and talk to someone we hadn't seen for a while and talk about real things, not just the same stuff about uni that I spout for everyone or that, yet again, no, there are no boys we have crushes on. It was great a while ago, because we had prayer meetings every week and that was such a great opportunity to really get to understand what was going on in other people's lives and to be honest yourself and feel like people cared enough to ask the difficult questions.

I know that I do a great job of appearing cheerful when I'm with friends. Often I am; bursting into tears of anguish couldn't be further from my mind. But if I think about the fact that not one of them asks me about the subject that occupies a significant portion of my thoughts every day, I'm immediately deflated.

I am so selfish.