At Navs last night it was our small group's turn to 'share' which means a few of us have to get up the front and say something which has been going on in our lives, preferably God-stuff. I agreed to do some sharing and I decided to talk about suffering. I read out that John Stott quote which I have already quoted on here several times, I think.

I was absolutely exhausted by Tuesday evening and kinda freaking out about 'sharing' (which I think is a very humourous word, by the way). I ended up feeling pretty stupid cos from what I can remember through the haze of tiredness I just stood up the front and said it all in a quiet monotone.

But now I'm quite glad I said it.

I've been so busy over the last few weeks that I haven't had much time to get upset or angry or depressed. But now I think the tiredness is beginning to set in and I can feel myself losing it again. I think I just need to get through the super-busy next two weeks and then I can unwind a little but right now I'm just sick of everything - ie uni.

I was lying in bed this morning thinking how Dad deals with me when I'm irritable - he gets defensive and cross. That's just how Dad is; we're very like each other. I started thinking about how Mum treated me when I was obviously exhausted and I started missing her heaps. She would be very kind and patient and a little amused until I started feeling guilty and just gave her a hug or something. I also miss her cooking. Dad tries so hard, bless his soul, and he usually does pretty well... it's just not the same! Anyway, I'm not even home very often for meals at the moment; part of the reason I'm so stuffed.

One thing I realised was that there are so many things I didn't notice about Mum until she was dead. Why did I never realise she had such a great sense of humour? When we had our 'talk' when she went into the hospital a few days before she died, among the "be patient with Dad" and "you've been a good daughter", she added "wash your clothes". It makes me smile now but that's the sort of thing I just took for granted when she was alive.