Today I am feeling very angry. I guess it's partly just because I'm tired and I don't want to start writing my essay. I hate the way I act when I get irritable like this but part of me revels in it. I feel like bursting into tears at tiny little things, which means I get snappy so as to disguise it.

I went to church this morning in this mood, which is never a good idea. It often means I look like an angry mathematics teacher while I play the piano, focusing a furious gaze on the page of music while I play songs about how happy we all are. It also means whenever someone stands up to say something or to pray, I start thinking about all their little idiosyncrasies and laughing in not the nicest way at how they always use the same words or the same tone or something. I wish I didn't do this. I know most of them so very well and like them a lot, having grown up in this church.

Sometimes I just wish we had a special service where no singing about happiness was allowed. I really do get the point, that even when we're not happy we do have a kind of peace that comes from God. I agree. I feel it very strongly usually. But when I'm in moods like these, I hate people getting up the front and grinning like they've just won Lotto. Good on them, I suppose. But right now I don't have the joy joy joy joy down in my heart.

Gosh this sounds bitter. I'm sorry to burden you with it, reader, whoever you are.