The Thing I have learnt from Mum's death: I cannot rely on anyone but God (and possibly Music).

My family were the best at the time of the death. But they went away, mostly, and when I see them now we almost avoid all mention of it, or at the very least put on our analyst voices as if we're far removed from it all.

My friends gave me space, which I needed, at the time. But when I needed them afterwards and now, they're not around me, asking me if I need help, and I don't like asking for it. I don't feel it's unreasonable to expect friends to understand this but it just doesn't happen. Or if they do ask it's with the evident wish that I won't need it. One of my very best friends is overseas on a mission and I need her - she's about the only person I could just ring up and say "Get your ass over here, I need to talk" - but it's God's will, apparently.

Then there's Navs, the uni Christian group I'm a member of. Last year I worked so hard, contrary to my nature, to try and make friends there, and I thought I succeeded, to a point. When the funeral came along, no one from Navs came. Most of them had pretty good reasons which I understand - being in another city or country is hard to beat - but one of them, who was in Christchurch, didn't come. I found out later that this was because he wouldn't have any friends at the funeral. This hurt me more than about anything in the last year or so.

Church - well, my church is such a blessing and a strengthener. I can't say enough good about my church family. I feel, however, that despite their care for me and understanding, they have asked a lot more of me this year than I am possibly able to give.

God, on the other hand - well, it's just so hard to explain that a God who doesn't talk to me in any discernable language can still make me feel like he understands. All the failings I've listed above are not failings people have purposefully done with the intention of not measuring up and I know that I'm asking a lot of them sometimes. I know I'm holding onto grudges and these last months I have been trying so hard to let go of them.

But I will never forget the feeling of having the most important person in the universe understand exactly how I feel. I am no longer going to place my trust or expectations in people. I have been effectively disillusioned. It sounds bad. But I'm not sure if it is. It's a "beautiful letdown".